Author: Michele /

Last night, as I lay in bed thinking about this baby growing inside of me, and talking with Jason about the girls, I eralized how much guilt I still feel over losing Eric. I know Jason loves his daughters to death, but I had really hoped to be able to give him a son to watch grow up. I can't help but think in the back of my mind, where such thoughts are want to dwell, that had I not given in and gotten that original c-section, had I only stayed awake after I fed him that morning, that somehow it would have made a difference, and we would have a 4 1/2 year old little boy causing havok in our tiny house. Jason told me he was happy with his girls, and excited for this one, girl number four. And I guess I really have to take him at word. But there is still a bitter slice in my heart that torments me late at night. I know that my girls ending up in the hospital after their c-sections was my fault, along with the time they spent in the nursery due to inhaled fluid and breathing troubles. If I could turn back the clock, I would have done my homework a little better and stood my ground. I was thinking back to being pregnant with Elizabeth. I skipped all the c-section information as well as most of the delivery interference chapters in my book. I never thought they would apply to me. Her birth was awful, although at least it was vaginal. Then with Eric, when they started crying c-section, I was still so ignorant. I assumed that because I had done it once I would automatically fall into the club of doing it again. There was no need for his section, and I see that now, but at the time I was still in Dr is God mode, and honestly, it was presented to me as a now or later kind of deal. Plus, I had been waiting 40 plus weeks to see the rascal. I had Elizabeth at home, and Jason and I were fighting all the time. I just wanted to try to get back to normal.

That is the other thing I think about. I know my husband carries a lot of guilt over Eric. He wasn't there for the birth and he really was in "I need to grow up" mode. (I am not being mean, this is what he has told me). He hardly ever even held Eric. I wanted to give him a boy, with a birth he could attend to try to ease some of that trauma. I am lucky though. I don't know many men that would have stuck with me through all we have through together. And yet, our marriage today is so much stronger than ever. I thank God we decided when we got pregnant with Elizabeth (Jason's idea btw), that divorce was not an easy option for us. Most couples don't last through what we have been through.

Then with Rachel, having an anterior placenta, and after the down syndrome scare (part of the reason there will be no blood work this time) and after losing Eric and losing the miscarriage, I was just too damn scared to fight. Yet, when I think back to the midnight race to Lubbock to the children's hospital and the week and a half we spent there because she caught RSV (which had anyone listened to me, they would have caught a lot sooner!) I know that I should have bitten back my fear, and been stronger for her.

As for baby Julia, I keep her picture up on my mantle, the one they brought me when they couldn't bring her to me, of her covered in monitors and oxygen tubes to remind me of what a c-section baby looks like and to give me strength and courage to do this thing I have set out to do. Again, I thank God my husband is supportive. I am scared, even though I really think all will be well. If something goes wrong with another of my babies, I don't know how I will live with myself. But I really am trying. I have done so much reading on risks versus benefits. And I know if I go to the hospital, they will fight me every step of the way. I can't concentrate on getting a baby out when I am fighting over every damn interevention they can think of. And they make you sign the c-section consent when you get to the hospital. I tried to refuse with Eric and it was a huge issue. I just don't want to be responsible for another baby with problems. All of my c-section babies have either ended up dead or in the hospital at less than two weeks.

If I could find someone who would let me labor and deliver how I wanted, I would so do that. But at this point, I can't. I tapped out all those resources. My other option is the wait and oops I am in active labor, better go to hospital since its time to push. What then is the difference between those last few minutes here or there? We are less than two minutes from the hospital. If there is a problem, and God willing please there won't be, we can transfer. I plan then at that point to plead ignorance. Had no idea I was actually in labor. Whatever it takes.

I know that I do not want CPS in my life again, and I know they can try if something goes wrong. Not legally, as there is nothing illegal in what we are planning, but that has never stopped them before. I hate to tell them though. This mama has done her homework. There will be no more easy capitualtion into whatever all these people want to say. I know my rights, I know where I stand. And if I do transfer to the hospital, they better watch out! I will do so prepared to fight. Ever seen a cornered mother lion? At that point, that will be me....


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